Juli’s Top Ten Ls of 2016

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For anyone reading this who does not know what “catching a L” means and chooses to abstain from urbandictonary.com, it’s “catching a loss.” Example: if you wake up after drinking a whole bottle of wine and check your bank statement to reveal you spent $300 buying useless shit on Amazon, you took the L (loss.) Here are my ten favorite societal L’s of 2016.

10. THE STANFORD RAPE SLAP ON THE WRIST L

I’ve gotten more of a punishment for not finishing my dinner. Judge Persky treated Brock Turner like he was his mom telling him to fold his laundry, Brock said he’d do it later, and Judge Persky reluctantly agreed. When did rape become a question?  Thousands of men and women who’ve been forced to take plea deals on crimes they didn’t do got to watch another white teenager get off on a crime that would send any other race away for decades. How have we become a society that defends sexual assault? According to Judge Aaron Persky, “a prison sentence would have a severe impact on him.” You know what would have had a more severe impact on him? Getting raped.

9. THE ALL LIVES MATTER “JUST WHITE ONES” L

I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the severity of this L. I don’t know what has occurred in a lot of Caucasian upbringings that anytime another race chooses to address inequality, the reaction has to be a series of answers about the one-eighteenth Spanish you have on your maternal grandfather’s side and how we are essentially “all immigrants.” If you are using pre-WWII data on your family census to dispute Black Lives Matter, you are a physical L. Please accept that you’re going to be OK. You’re white! You got the world in the palm of your hand! You can get pulled over and cops will actually write you a ticket and treat you with human decency.

8. THE KANYE KIM BLAC CHYNA ROB KYLIE KENDALL TYGA COUNTLESS HOURS WONDERING WHY I GIVE A SHIT L

First of all, I want to pay my respects to Kris Jenner. How the fuck did you do it? I want millions of dollars to sit in a room, eating salads and talking about problems that don’t exist. She really knows how to take an L and turn it into a W. Entertainment is great, but there is a line between entertainment and actual news. I like the Kardashians, but I don’t like what our fixation on them has done. They aren’t the Ls for existing; we are the Ls for caring.

7. THE  HARAMBE GOT 10,000 VOTES ON THE PRESIDENTIAL BALLOT L

I am all for a good meme. I’m not all for a good meme coinciding in an atmosphere where legislation is taking place. Harambe was funny for one month. That’s how quickly memes become stale, any solid internet troll will tell you that. Y’all hopped on that Harambe train and rode it to the point where anyone scrolling down Instagram tries to quickly pass your Harambe post because it’s so cringe-worthy. You got to know when to stop. Don’t be that guy bringing up the Kermit meme in mid 2017. Don’t be that L.

6. THE CLOWNS ATTACKING PEOPLE L

I don’t know who in the depths of history decided clowns were funny. Do they tell jokes? No. They just contour the fuck out of their face and pretend like we’re supposed to know how to react. Nothing is funny about a clown. Attacking people in clown attire is sad. How many times did you watch Heath Ledger’s rendition of the Joker in your parent’s basement? Get off Reddit and try meeting a few people. Join Tinder if you have to. Because whoever told you painting your face and causing harm at the local community college was a good idea definitely isn’t your friend.

5. THE TAYLOR SWIFT L

You’re a smart girl, don’t act stupid: take the L, and don’t pawn it off on someone else.

4. THE KANYE WEST/DONALD TRUMP SUPREME 2020 COLLAB L

Let’s all take a moment to acknowledge that mental illness is very real. I hope Ye gets the help he needs. I hope Donald Trump does not.

3. THE ALT RIGHT L

If this is what counterculture in 2016 looks like, I’ll be perfectly fine with the status quo. Take the L and go back to your racist Yahoo chat forums and in the words of Lqueen Taylor Swift, “exclude us from this narrative we have not wanted to be a part of since 1776.”

2. THE BREXIT L

I know Brexit sounds like a poorly managed chain of British nightclubs. I know people in the US are like, “why are those Brits all in a fuss?” Brexit was a huge L. Even the people who officiated the decision realized pretty soon after that they are now associated with one of the largest Ls in modern history. The outlook for the UK is not strong on multiple fronts. To put it into American terms: Donald Trump actually succeeding with building a wall.

1. THE PRESIDENTAL ELECTION L

I swear to God, Rick James, or whatever superpower is above, I woke up November 9th thinking I was part of some fucked up life-long Truman show my parents had cooked up, and I was OK with that. I was praying for a phone call like, “surprise honey! Your entire life is a lie! Donald Trump is not actually the President, you’re just not a real person.” We caught such an infinite L on this one. This L transcends all the others. All around the world people are adjusting their glasses because anytime that animated carrot comes on screen all they see is a giant orange L. Instead of a well-painted portrait of Trump, it will just be a giant, sloppy L. Every history book from 2016 on will have a chapter of only “LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.“ When our grandkids ask, “What happened in 2016?” The only way to explain it will be:

Juli Blachowiak

Juli Blachowiak is a Los Angeles based writer. She paints her nails to Drake.