You’re not still in a bad dream. Donald Trump is on his third month of being the leader of the free world. Every time I hear a buzz on my phone and see the dreaded news alert, I flip my phone over in hopes ignorance will really turn to bliss.

There is no universal way to prepare for four (possibly eight) years of poorly blended bronzer and phoned-in politics. Under the Trump administration every race, gender, religion and sexual orientation must prepare their own way. For some it will be an hour-before cram session, others a months-long standardized test that you will statistically fail, and for most a reality that no matter how much you study you will never get the answer right. Here is my personal study guide on how to prepare.

MALE

Congrats, all you have to do is walk into the room, correctly spell your name and you pass. Historically the test has been written and re-written for and by you. That being said, with the extreme advantage, you can really do some good by taking a step back and providing support for others who require more studying.

FEMALE

You might think this test is difficult but in terms of many others, it’s not. That being said, this isn’t 2014. We’re not living in an era of cute Barack Obama/Joe Biden bromance memes. Being a woman requires the agility to not only defend against the impending reproductive doom that our current administration is dropping, but foresight that in the end, our hard work and long nights of studying will pay off in a much larger way than we ever imagined.

LGBTQ

This is a long one. Months of preparation only to have the answers completely switched the night before the test. Under Trump you are merely an anecdote for him to use when he needs to convince the populous that he is still somewhat progressive. Trump does not grade on a curve. He wants you to fail. The incredible silver lining in this situation is that you won’t.

MINORITIES

You never even received a study guide for this test. You sent your professor probably close to a hundred emails, first asking politely and now with a bit of a stern tone. There is no amount of preparation to pass this test. The professor just doesn’t like you. You keep reminding Trump that without you there would be no test. You walk out of that classroom and he’ll look bad. So walk out, take another class. No point in preparing if he’s just going to fuck you over.

MUSLIMS

You can’t even get into the classroom. What’s the point of trying to pass a test when you’re constantly locked out of a classroom that prides itself on inclusivity? When the professor blames his decision to block you on random attacks of violence that, when you look at the statistics close enough, have nothing to do with your religion and more to do with xenophobia, you might as well stay in your dorm and enjoy the fact that this professor is not only incredibly wrong but incredibly stupid.

LGBTQ MINORITES

Vacation often in a country where you don’t have to defend who you are. Life should not be a battle of allowing yourself to exist where you are consistently silenced. Create your own set of rules in America and don’t accept what’s given to you, at all.

 

There are many other sects and sub-sects of people who do not fit into the idealized population of what our current president wants. The original test, created by white-wigged men who proudly owned slaves, is irrelevant. Nobody should spend their entire lives studying to pass a test that was designed for them to fail. The only way to truly prepare for the next four years is to push to be empathetic to all diversity. Push our president to see that we will not be idle. Push Donald Trump to be all of our presidents. Realize that minus our aesthetic differences, we are in this together.

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